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Inked Thoughts and Midnight Monologues

A fluid state of being with a memorable trail, through a river full of thoughts I sail. Leaving the labyrinths of a chaotic world behind, it’s a journey through the jungles of my subconscious mind.

Mystic love

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Bleeding hearts ache the most. We travel in imaginary subways in the dead of the night when the rest of the world lies down amidst heavy breathing and strange longings. Our hands are designed for deep wounds and tattoos gone wrong. But they’re also made for catching heavenly droplets from the tip of our butter fingers under grey smoke and dark clouds. Hope is a sweet poison and passion, a lustful hunger. To roam aimlessly through narrow streets is a game we play every night for it’s then that I see your smile under the soft streetlights. In a world devoid of beauty, I find reasons to wander past sleeping souls and broken windows for when we walk together inhaling bursts of midnight fog, that’s when we are truly alive. For us, others cease to exist but we couldn’t care less, for all that remains of us, at that moment, is nothing and everything. Our bodies get swallowed by galaxies unknown to the rest of the world. But, They are our empires in the making, they are my entire universe, for if nothing, they’ll still have your smile. And that to me, is hope.

Blue song delirium

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 There’s another galaxy somewhere very far from us, singing our love story. I hear it in the suffering you talked of. I see it in your broken verses and in my broken dreams. There’s pain and longing buried inside us but somehow, we make do with midnight coffee shots and moisture on our pillows. You had your muse in front of your eyes who couldn’t even smell this strange love. It could’ve been something and yet it never was. You waited with hope and I stole it from you. The agony must have teared you apart. And now it seems to be my turn as I ache with remnants of regret. It could’ve been something and yet it chose not to. Wasted tender gazes and woeful lonely passions. You were meant to be a supernova; but aimlessly I spun away from your iridescence, drinking in my ignorance, forlorn and cold. I wish I had undressed my old wounds and let you in to heal them. I wish you had seen the warmness instead of the cold I made you see. I wish you would’ve known of the intense passions I smolder like you do. But most of all, I wish our atoms had collided and merged, just for once.

And tonight, the splattered ink is my muse

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Sometimes, I wonder if the artists from the Renaissance era painted from the palettes dipped in their tears or if writers carved words imbued in the innermost turmoil of their bleeding hearts. Redundancy. Of course.

Maybe I try too hard to lend substance to my existence or maybe I don’t try enough. Either way, it leads to a compromise between what I know and what I feel. I feel so small sometimes; like I am a nobody. Like an inkblot hidden inside a crumpled paper nestled in the corner of a study in an old, dilapidated English cottage basking in the aftermath of its decadence. I’m the inkblot and the cottage is the universe. There are unexplored avenues in the labyrinths of my mind, waiting to be discovered and yet they remain concealed in misty darkness. Perhaps, it is ignorance mingled with denial. Oh, what a fatal concoction these two make. It’s too difficult to remind myself, time and again, that the inkblot my very being seems to despise and condemn was born from an attempt at defining an aesthetic. The aesthetic being the elusive gold tinted thought that I must have had in the span of a fleeting moment.

I have to remember, that every time something like this beckons at the doorstep of my mind, I have to let it in. It is the only way. That one thought out of the several other ones is the light that will show me the way to the untrodden alleys in my mind. Every little thought deserves respect. And I shall give it that. Yes, I’ll be a thousand more inkblots and I’ll be the ink stains themselves on my organic fingertips and I’ll be the chiseled ink pens waiting to spill- words and emotions alike. And maybe someday, when I’ll gather these inkblots, they’ll come together and dance like the rustling autumn leaves do to the poetic winds.

 

Chaos is me

 

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I look into the mirror

I see myself.

I don’t see myself.

The irony of it consumes me

It tears me apart.

And yet, all I see is me

but not myself.

I ruffle my hair to see a change

Finally a reflection of my emotion

and yet the wounds don’t show.

My eyebrow quivers, my eyes a silver molten.

I’m beginning to see, the real me.

The more the teardrops succumb to gravity,

The more hazy my vision becomes.

And yet, things look clearer now.

Pristine and crystal in blurred motions.

The less I see into the mirror,

the more I see myself.

And this irony too, consumes me.

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Remnants

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I have left a trail of melted brownie crumbles,

for I’ll be tasting the stars tonight.

These fireflies, I see them dancing on my fairy lights

as they glitter in this silent winter night.

Marshmallows and coffee sips,

take me back to a simpler time

of playground swings and snowball fights

and as these strawberry cheeks glow in soft moonlight,

warmness I find in me just like those fireplace embers I see.

I’ll chase the stars hidden in pink clouds

and I’ll gaze into the weeping pallet of a winter sky.

The fog and the streetlight will make soundless music

and yet, I’ll hear it and travel places I never knew existed.

The twigs of the pine trees will make me smile and then cry,

for I’ll finally know of the magic I’ve been seeing

and even though hearts are broken under mistletoe

but passions they smolder so much more.

Half burnt candles and bright colored stockings

slow melting nights and crisp cold mornings.

Watching old movies inside the warm blankets and I’ll smile

and once again the tears will find their way through my eyes

and when it’s time for my mortal soul to breathe its last,

I’ll carry in my pocket a little flake of snow

Bearing a souvenir of immortality,

I guess, that is a good way to go.

Humble

 Circa, 2016. 

It’s so easy to fall in love with fragility.

To write love on her arms

You know how there’s this one person in your life who comes out of nowhere and suddenly means the world to you?

Well, if you do, I shake you warmly by the hand because you and I are both lucky. As for the ones who haven’t found “the person”, chances are, he or she is probably taking a nap right now. Or laughing for no apparent reason. Or pushing a door that says pull.

Isn’t it strange though? You’re doing the same old drill called life and out pops this fruitcake of a soul bursting with enthusiasm and wearing an adorable smile. And suddenly, you can’t get enough of them and no matter what, they’re somehow always there in your thoughts.

It starts so normally, really. They mispronounce your name and you remember them as the one standing next to the other random person. You two eventually get to meet again (small world, eh?) and make -exciting- small talk. (Reason no.47283 why I take weather reports so seriously.)

It’s so formal at first that it annoys you a bit. But before you realise, you get to meet everyday for the next few months because turns out, you attend a same lecture in your freshman year. *Score*

And then a little homogeneity creates an awkward friend circle with unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar habits and unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar Everything. The beautiful enigma of time presents itself along the way. The two strangers get to know each other’s set of favourite things (Chinese. ColdPlay. Books. More books. Check.) And (Chinese again. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Purple. Blue lays. Check.) Fast forward to a few more months and the idiosyncrasies and insanity emerge from the depths of the layered personalities. This is when you realise that you’ve given way too much personal information and backing out is hazardous and no longer an option.

Okay so. You’re really into this whole friendship/ destiny-ancient voodoo dichotomy/ when-did-this-happen gig. All your time is spent together and even the insults start sounding like music to your ears. The basic requisites for the bond to prosper further are fulfilled along the way- being friends with each other’s parents, random movie/lunch plans, talking incessantly about everything and Nothing and *drum rolls*, the big fight. Well, plenty of them actually.

So finally, you take the tiny pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and start assembling the parts into one integrated whole, right? And oh dear lord, the realisation.The stranger who didn’t even spell your name correctly the first time (who now happens to have a brilliant nickname for you in the history of nicknames if they were kept for aliens), is kinda-sorta-completely your truest friend that there ever was and as you realise this, you are washed over with serenity and happiness and some more of it.

One thousand six hundred and seventy five references and a pocketful of memories- that’s what we’ve got now. And each other. (Softly scribbles ‘duh’ but then backspaces because it’s ‘duh’. And lame.)

Well, then. Guess that’s all. (Miranda Priestly raincheck done.)

Am I not making sense anymore? Excellent.

-Happy birthday, love-

My work here is done.

Everyone say hi to Shreya. :’)

 And I see you in the stars now

Soft smiles under moonlight music

Maybe our atoms exist in those flickering lanterns

And maybe we are supernovas in the making.

All I know is how you are the best of me

And maybe something more too.

For, all the unwritten verses in my mind

Speak of you like you’re the only one I know

In this vastness of life mortal

Silver glimpses of time frozen

In every memory there’s something so calming

Like finding lost stories again

Like traversing the entire universe.

And to have found you in it;

They will call it a blessing perhaps

But beyond travels this soul inside you

So far that its light lives in the stars I see

Maybe that’s how a part of you belongs to me.


P.S.- Hit me up in the comments section and tell me about “your person”. I’d love to hear from y’all. Much love.

Delusion

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My fingers burn with the slightest touch of your hands and even when we are surrounded by personalities of guile and bodies reeking of obscurity, time somehow freezes. With every gaze into your hazel orbs and every touch that could’ve been something else, I speak to the stars about stories I imagine. They’re all beautiful, for they have you in them but it still doesn’t seem enough. Cracked smiles through silhouettes of the frayed doors and a poetic breeze that never blows, I mock myself for feeling something that didn’t exist. Anything that could go wrong did. The Earth has become The Sun for there’s only heat and it scorches and hurts. I see death in souls that claim they love each other and leaves that fall off trees lie there waiting for my tears to glisten their verdant veins. There’s destruction in gray buildings and the night sky makes me miss you. Songs at high frequencies drown the voices in my head but the aches just never leave. The heartbeats that were supposed to synchronize with symphonies died down and arterial bursts of love turned stone cold to leave fragments inside the ribcage. To find a haven in someone else is difficult. What’s more difficult is being left to decay in a haven you thought you had found. As I watched you leaving, I had but a box of abstract memories and the sound of your voice and old conversations to hold onto. I’m so glad you have found a haven now, I just wish you’d never left the one I made with dried petals and songs of the rain. Maybe you were right and I was wrong, for sometimes when you fall, you fall for the wrong one. I know I did.

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